Below Deck Recap: Seasick


Below Deck Recap: Seasick

It’s true. You really don’t know what you got until it’s gone.

Never for a second did I ever imagine I’d be missing Below Deck Mediterranean. And then I saw how Camille does laundry. In memoriam: Natalya and her impeccable approach to washing and folding (and bleach and iron and press). Captain Lee already can’t feel his leg, and now Camille has to go and deliver this poor man wrinkled and crinkled clothes? Why is a captain explaining to a stew that the crease goes in the front and casual shirts are never dried but pressed? And lose the sunglasses, girl! We get that you’re hung-over. That doesn’t mean you can’t do your job.

Katie, meanwhile, can’t do her job while hung-over because she is sleeping through it. At least the evidence shows her alarms were on. I am not a yachtie (and never will be), but I don’t think her oversleeping by 35 minutes on a day without guests is that big of a deal. It certainly doesn’t warrant Ross dressing her down for it, which I feel he got a sick satisfaction from doing. Ross is still giving me the creeps, and judging by the preview of next week’s episode, he’ll continue to. Seeing him hook up with both Katie and Alissa makes my stomach hurt, and I dread watching that go down. I am also dreading what I believe to be Tony’s downward spiral. The dude is depressed! He’s working too much! And he has too many uniforms! Ben’s assessment of Tony is, unfortunately, spot on: Tony had no idea what yachting entailed before hopping on the boat, and now he’s yearning for his adventure-guide days of yonder. I will admit, Tony would be the most incredible adventure guide. When I think about it too hard, I get sad that I will never experience him pushing me down a zip line or leading me on a hike through a waterfall. I would even jump out of an airplane with him — and Rachel.

Tony can’t leave because his low-key friendship with Rachel needs time to marinate. These two were made for each other. Jumping out of planes drunk, playing with sharks. Together, these two could run the world. Or at least a theme park.

Let’s get to this week’s guests: a group of girlboss doctors, and Captain Lee is their biggest fan. He is obsessed with these COVID-era ER doctors, and he should be. I’ve been disappointed with his Captain Lee–isms — they feel too produced as of late— but this, directed toward the doctors, piqued my interest: “If you wanna get drunk and puke over the side of the boat, guess what, Cappy will be right there holding your hair.” He’s a good man.

Speaking of hair … I am incensed on Dr. Jewel Jones’s behalf. I cannot believe we watched a grown woman, a doctor (!), snatch Jewel’s wig off her head during a group photo as a “joke.” Hollie is enemy No. 1 for the rest of the charter. I don’t make the rules. And then she has the gall to act surprised when Jewel is mad? Bitch, you literally just touched her hair and yanked off her wig? And you’re a doctor? How are people, especially people of color, supposed to feel safe with you?

Jewel addresses the issue perfectly with the primary, Dr. Michelle Pearl. She makes it clear that Hollie’s behavior needs to halt and fast. Her exact words? “Her passive-aggressive shit needs to stop. Michelle, if you don’t check her, I’m going to check her.” Jewel reminds the group during dinner that they’re grown enough not to be assholes. Hollie, who is sloshed at this point, says she’s working on that and then launches into a diatribe about how we’re all human, we all make mistakes, she messed up, and she’s sorry. Time and place, girl.

Not to don my tinfoil hat, but Hollie also gives Jewel some serious ’tude before dinner. Why are you singling Jewel out for “making” the group late to dinner? All you have to do is walk up the stairs. And you have a personal chef? Jewel isn’t making anyone “late,” plus, let’s be real, Rachel needs the extra time to spin some truffles out of a kerfuffle. I feel this won’t be the last time dinner is delayed this season. It’s painful to watch because it’s clearly an issue of staffing, not skill level. Give Rachel an assistant! Replace Camille with a sous-chef!

I feel that following Camille’s walkie-talkie stunt, she will face some consequences for her actions. And, selfishly, I really can’t watch Alissa remind Camille about restocking the fridges for another minute. I think Alissa is experiencing un petit peu power trip, but that being said, Camille is the laziest worker ever to walk the deck. On day two, the guests want a beach day and dinner. These excursions require a lot of work; literally, all hands on deck. While Alissa is setting up seaside, she radios Camille to remind her to bring the coolers. Camille pipes up, saying she isn’t sure why it’s her responsibility to get the coolers, full of beverages and food, for the guests. It’s your responsibility … because you’re working on this boat? Captain Lee overhears this back-and-forth, which is not good for anyone involved. It’s worse because he’s officially lost all feeling in his left leg and has had to call his doctor. Is Captain Lee leaving us adrift at sea? Say it ain’t so …

Who else do we need to talk about? Ben is honestly a good sport, and really good at his job. Ross awards him the responsibility of deploying the anchor, and when the guests take a late-night hot tub and tease him into taking off his shirt, Ben happily obliges, even letting them place pasties over his nipples. Ben and Tony also find common ground over experiencing racism. Nothing like trauma bonding when you’re out at sea! We learn that Ben is Indigenous Australian and was bullied as a kid for being too dark, and Tony is mixed, his dad Black and mom white.

Fraser also realizes he needs to step it up. He says it himself: He’s going to have to be that bitch! The Camille-Alissa saga needs to end, and Hayley needs to learn how to make a bed. He has his work cut out for him. Poor Fraser is the only one I would have sympathy for after making that nurse-doctor mistake. Clearly, Fraser is frazzled, and who among us wouldn’t be?

From the Galley

Sound bites that stopped us.

• The work is starting to weigh on Tony: “I don’t want to make a mistake, and I don’t want Captain Lee to come with his stick and whack me because I’m messing around with his boat.”

• The work is starting to weigh on Tony so much that he’s starting to take quick trips to his magical fantasy world: “Bro, there is a place called La La Land and that’s the place where I sometimes go.”

• Rachel hit us with the real and raw-ass truth about dinner, which is … This theme doesn’t compute: “I love this. I’m going to have a Hollywood Glam–themed dinner. I’m like, What the fuck? You wouldn’t have a dinner. You’d be anorexia fueled on cocaine, vodka, and hate.”